Classics

NOTE: This is a LONG POST. You may want to bring provisions when attempting to read it - I suggest lots of water and a few energy bars. Remember to get enough sleep and do not attempt to read if operating heavy machinery.

You have been warned.


Now,
for all of you out there who do not have the time (or drive) to read all the classics, do I have a website for you!
Yup - I discovered the little gem "book-in-a-minute" a while back and so, being a community-minded individual (but mostly a BORED community-minded individual) I thought I'd put a few up here so that you can peruse them at your leisure.

For Startes:
A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickins:

Doctor released,
Marquis deceased,
Darnay acquitted,
Monarchy submitted,
Marriage announced,
Darnay denounced,
Places are switched,
Blades are twitched,
Seamstress cries,
Carton dies.
THE END

Dante's Inferno

-Some woman puts Dante through Hell.
THE END

The Great Gatsbey, F Scott Fitzgerald
Gatsby
Daisy, I made all this money for you, because I love you.
Daisy
I cannot reciprocate, because I represent the American Dream.
Gatsby
Now I must die, because I also represent the American Dream. (Gatsby DIES.)
Nick
I hate New Yorkers.
THE END
*this would have been soooo useful last year for yr 11 Lit!*

Lord of the Flies, William Golding
(Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.)
Ralph
We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph
We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph
We need a fire.
Jack
Forget the fire. Let's kill each other.
Other Boys
Yeah!
(They do.)
THE END

Catch-22, Joseph Heller
*but you must actually read this, just for the ending - its a "smile-out-loud" kinda end"*
Colonel Cathcart
I want a promotion, so I screw over all my men.
Yossarian
I want to get out of here, so I walk around naked and pretend to be sick.
Colonel Cathcart
Fine. Praise us, and we'll let you go home.
Yossarian
No. I'll desert instead, because I've learned that war is crazy, and it's bad too, because it makes people do really weird things and die. Also, high ranking military officers are evil incarnate.
Easily Deluded Reader
Look at all the subtext. This must be one of the greatest anti-war pieces of our time.
THE END

Moby Dick, Herman Melville
Ishmael
Call me Ishmael.
Captain Ahab
Crew, we will seek the white whale and kill it, because I am insane.
Crew
Alas, your destructive obsession will be our undoing.
(They almost find the white whale. Then they almost find the white whale.
Then they find it.)
Captain Ahab
I stab at thee. I stab at thee.
(Everybody dies except Ishmael, although this is no surprise, because it was foreshadowed CONTINUALLY from the BEGINNING.)
THE END

The Crucible *eeeek!*, Arthur Miller
Reverend Parris
Abigail Williams, you and your friends are in trouble, unless you can shift the blame to someone else.
Abigail Williams
She did it! He did it! They did it! Everybody but us did it!
Judge Danforth
Ah, now we are getting somewhere.
(Everybody gets hanged, which just goes to show how evil McCarthyism is.)
THE END

The Collected works of Jane Austen
Female Lead
I secretly love Male Lead. He must never know.
Male Lead
I secretly love Female Lead. She must never know.
(They find out.)

THE END

And, for all of you out there who know anything about revolutions:
Animal Farm, George Orwell (the snobby version)

Old Major, the Pig
Let us overthrow the depraved czar, Farmer Jones, a symbol of a feudalist government that falls into moral ruin by its own excess and corruption.
(dies)
Napoleon, the Pig
Yes, let us indeed overthrow the human oligarchy as Karl Ma--uh, Friedrich Enge--uh, Wladimir Iljitsch Leni--uh, what Old Major said.
Snowball, the Pig
Yes. I'll lead the defense, unwary that you, like the other Napoleon, are pulling a strategic Stalinesque maneuver by using our revolution as a means to set up your own cruel totalitarian empire. I'm a regular Leo Dawidowitsch Trotzky!
(Napoleon sicks his pack of secret police dogs on Snowball, and they EXILE him.)
Sheep
See how easily we, the blind followers of our leaders, ignore the facts and are swayed into loyalty by the pushing of emotional buttons? Four legs good. Two legs baaaad.
(oook - The Glass House has forever changed that...)
Rats and Rabbits
Can we, the Menscheviki, be comrades too?
Moses, the Raven
Take comfort in what I, a symbol of the Orthodox Church, say. When you die, you'll go to the glorious Sugarcandy Mountain. So there's no need for revolution after all.
Squealer, the Pig
Go away, opiate of the people. Like Goebbels, the German minister of propaganda, I have a much greater hold on the people than you do.
Pigeons
Let's be the message carriers of communism and spread the doctrine of the revolution far beyond the physical boundaries of our regime.
Boxer, the Horse
Napoleon is always right. Like the Russian working class, I am convinced of the necessity of our revolution, firmly devoted to its cause, and work hard for my leaders.
Napoleon, the Pig
Good horse, Boxer. We need more animals like you.
Boxer, the Horse
I'm old now. At long last, I have reached retirement age. Now I can rest peacefully while Napoleon takes care of me.
Napoleon, the Pig
Think again, you lazy oaf.
(sells Boxer for glue)

(The animals destroy the windmill in an action symbolic of the failure of the Five Year Economic Plan. Then the pigs turn into humans. Thus ends this dystopian fable on totalitarianism.)
THE END

And for everybody else,
(the simple version):
Some pigs lead a revolt against people, act like jerks, and play poker.
THE END

Well, I think that about does that for the moment.

But thanks have to go to
http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/

*which actually wrote most of this blog entry*

Cheers for sticking around,
C : p